Dealing with the bitterness...

Hi Mian!

Thank you for the hug! I'm glad I made you smile at the mention of our fun little creatures! I truly do think the love of a pet is so important, and you talk with so much love about your rats.  I don't think until someone's owned a rat that they're thought of as being as fun as they can be, but they really do have distinct personalities as you know! I had one that used to rush over when I was a teen eating potato chips (he'd especially steal them from my Mom since she was the big potato chip lover) then hop like a bunny with the chip in his mouth around the room.  Of course, he probably had way more chips and crackers just because the way he acted with them was so darned funny! When he was tired, he'd go to the bedroom with his cage and wait to be put back in it so he could go to sleep.  Heck, I may be talking myself into getting a new rat, it's been quite a while and I really want a pet!

I think it's important right now for you to recognize that you're going through a very tough time, and while it doesn't mean it's permanent, it's frustrating and depressing and you have every reason to feel as upset as you are.  I think those who don't have chronic pain don't get just what a blow it is to have to stop doing something we want so bad.  When I had to stop working, I was down to 2 hours a day and would come home and lay on the floor shaking from the pain of those two hours.  When my doctor said I needed to stay home for a longer time not working at all and I was told "no problem, we need someone who can work longer hours any way", I felt like my last bit of being part of "life" was taken away from me.  I didn't love the job and it wasn't something I wanted to do permanently, but not being able to do it is a WHOLE different story than deciding not to do it.  That's when I really felt like I was outside looking in, like in movies when they show poor children or unhappy children looking through the window at families celebrating holidays together, and so on.  Do NOT think you're whining, I think you're going through a lot and struggling to adjust to very hard changes.  I wish with all my heart that you weren't going through this. 

That YOU for sharing with me and the rest of us! I think you're more supportive of others than you think.  Please know while you may be isolated physically, you do have your CPS family here for you, k? I know it's not the same, but hopefully until things straighten out and you can return to school, you can always come here and get support and even just share what you're up to if you'd like.  Don't forget the Townhall thread either under The Living Room, where you can post with the rest of the gang about what you're up to each day.   I think it helps to feel a part of things, and since it's NOT about pain, it will help you feel less like all you are is someone with chronic pain.  You may have chronic pain, but you also have so much more than that! Please try real hard to identify yourself as someone who is more than what they can do.  That was real hard for me too at 24 to no longer be able to pursue the career I wanted or work, plus my ex-boyfriend broke up with me over how much pain I was in and how much things had changed.  I think one important thing is to stop and think of all the strong points about WHO you are.  You're obviously a very strong person to fight to go to school all this time, and just because you aren't now, doesn't mean you're down for good.  You're empathetic to others with pain, no doubt! That's such a wonderful trait as so many others, even sometimes those with pain, see people with pain as weak or just don't understand, whereas you come across very caring about others.  You're also very loving, anyone who loves animals, especially poor rats who get an undeserved bad rap, is special in my book! Those who love animals also seem to be good people.  You know how they say if animals like a person, that person is most likely a good person as animals (and babies) can see through them?  I seriously think there's something to that!

Take good care and I look forward to talking with you soon!

Kat

Originally posted by Mian   But I do have a question, because this is coming up a lot right now, what do you say to those whose first words are: well, why don't you just get a job (instead of moving home)? I don't know how to answer that because the first thing I want to do, is just...walk away, ya know?   Take care -Sam.

Hi:
I haven't been really active on this site because I do isolate myself. I'm very good at it and I know it's taking a toll. Whatever you do please continue to live your life and don't give up. I've lost a very promising career and a son who thinks I'm lazy because I just sit in the house. I had a lunch appointment with a very old great friend and I canceled because I just hurt too much. Now I am sitting here by myself as I do every day and wonder why I did that.

Don't lose your spark. I never thought I would but I have and I don't know how to get it back.

fondly,
November

Hi November, Sorry to hear but I've cancelled meetings with friends from out of town and one before she left town. Maybe one day the pain will be less and you can plan again. For me I'm spur of the moment if someone can meet me on my good days better yet. I have a hard time pre-panning from one day to the next, well anyone really with chronic pain may have a hard time adjusting. Let's hope for tomorrow. I'm glad to have so much to do in the home like watch tv and go online and walk when I can. Take care and one day at a time and be gentle with yourself. hug if you like. Sara

Hey Sam,

I think that you are being really hard on yourself, honey.  You have been through an awful lot between moving, trying to establish a relationship with your parents, working, all while not being treated appropriately for your pain.

Aug 3 is almost here, and I truly hope that, as you said, you won't get more pills, you'll get appropriate ones.  You should be treated so that you do NOT have to supplement with so many NSAID's  and Tyl 1's which are hard on your stomach and liver. 

Do you know if this pain clinic provides counseling for dealing with chronic pain also?  Some of our members have had very good success with that. 

Please try to be as optimistic as you can that this appointment will be a good one and that once your pain is managed better, you will not feel as despondent as you do now.

We all know what it is like to not be able to get out of bed some days,  to not be able to go out, to feel angry and isolated. 

I am very glad that you wrote all of this out and you know that you can come here and vent anytime.  We are here to listen and we do hear you loud and clear.

Please do let us know how your appointment goes, OK?  Hugs, Stevie

Sam,

I think that this is where you are going to go?  If it is, it sounds absolutely wonderful.  Here is a link to an article about them:http://www.magazine.utoronto.ca/cover-story/chronic-pain-clinic-toronto-wasser-pain-management-centre-marni-jackson-article/

It is our pleasure to be here for you and our members, and I want to tell you how much your kind words mean.

Many hugs, Stevie

PS---I am so happy to hear that you have gone back to your art work.  Someday when you have time, would you post some pictures of what you have done in our Photo Section?

Sam, I am sorry to hear that you are still hurting so much, and that you are having to endure long hours at work.

Does anyone have problems coming to terms with things being taken from you, in life? 
When this happened to me, it wasn't an accident, or a mistake of life, it was done by a doctor who was cocky and young, and thought he was the shit, and decided to operate.  He butchered me. 
When I was in University, my first relationship was with a man a couple years older than me, and he turned out to be forceful and abusive.  He took the chance to have a "first time" from me.  He raped me, and assaulted me.  For over a year, I didn't leave my room.  I was reclusive, and even had the floor manager of my dorm make a comment about thinking I had left since he never saw me. 
I stopped attending classes, I had my door permanently locked, and I wouldn't let anyone touch me, not even my best friend whom was always ready with a hug when we saw one another. 
He took a lot from me, including my confidence. 
This doctor butchered me.  What he did to me, he violated me.  He's stolen my freedom, and ability to hold stable relationships of any nature. 
In talking with a girlfriend of mine, she was gossiping about a new boy she'd been with.  I met the person I thought was the love of my life, two years later, and with some therapy...a lot of it... was able to get close with him.  However, any 'sex' was over shadowed with pain, and with ...well...no feeling at all.  At first I thought it was because of what had happened years earlier, but the fact is, I can't feel. 
Everything that has happened has led to this empty shell.  I can't work, I can't feel, I can't support myself, I can't hold stable relationships (friendships included), And what bothers me more than anything, is I will never have children...
My body has been totally ripped apart, and the choice-- the most important concept to all of these issues is the choice to act on them-- has been stolen. 
My brother is gay, and has made a decision he will probably not have kids, since he's not in a secure situation, living wise.  My parents are looking to me to carry the family name.  I can't live up to that.  I can't even help out paying for shit around the house. 
I watch us falling apart, and there's nothing I can do to stop it... 
Tell me this isn't something that is out of the ordinary?

Sam,

I am awfully sorry for what you have been through in your young life.  Terrible things happen to good people, and while there is no way to undue what happened in the past, I believe that we do have a choice in where we go in the future.  I am certainly not a therapist, and anything that I say to you is only what is in my heart and mind.

You have a tremendous amount of talent and your art is wonderful.  You are bright and you have much to offer.  You have a long life ahead of you and it is up to you to make the very most of it.

Don't let what was taken from you destroy your life.  You let those individuals win, and that is wrong.

None of us knows what the future holds, but yes, you can and you need to "feel".  I am concerned that you are depressed from what has happened, and wonder if you are still seeing a therapist, or are on antidepressants?  I know that you suffer from PTSD----how much of what you are going through now is a result of that?

I am sure that others will be along with help and support, but I am sending you love and hugs, and hoping that you will do whatever it takes to pull through this.  I know you can "feel" honey.  Your art has such feeling and that comes from you.  Stevie

Hello,

           For the most part the changes we have are imposed upon us and we have to be honest with ourselves in what we are achieving, even in these challenging circumstance not of our own making, we are trying our very best, simple things have been wrenched from our grasp and we have to adapt to having, doing and surviving with less.

 

We have to be kind to ourselves and acknowledge what effort all the simple things now take and accept some of the new us, knowing what we have lost is good so that it makes us fight even harder for what is left, bitterness is part on the improving process and we should mourn the mandated loss of the things we once treasured. Working in pain can be so hard, so in leading the way with how you do this gives hope for others wishing to return or continuing to work, a reasonable person may have stopped long ago and this is our life and we are doing the best we can, that needs to be acknowledged and supported.

 

You are achieving some wonderful things and using Art as a distraction, supporters encourage us and enable us to do some of the things we find most challenging based on what they have done and who helped them, you acknowledge that you own developing support network does help and the chance to find encouragement in what and how we are progressing. As Spicey said, it does sometime take others to view the progress we have made, that we ourselves sometimes fail to measure.

 

Historical loss should not taint our future progress; we only manage that loss more effectively and define it in a more compressed and distanced memory, although that imbalance of what we have all lost is greater over time, our emphasis in on the future and those achievements as yet undefined and expectant.

 

Bitterness needs a shelf-life and expiry date, you are progressing more than you think and we can see those achievements in all that you are doing.

 

Take care.

 

John58

 

 

I don't think I will ever be able to write in the section of "success stories", on the forum.  I had my apt with the pain clinic today.  It went...well... a little worse that even my cynical mind could have dreamt up.  I thought I was going to at the very least, be able to go there with a clean slate and ask them for help managing the medications/ new meds  I am on but the doctor kept making sure I understood that any help is a long shot. 
I can't go on living like this.  I can't work, I can't attend school, and now I am going on a heavy drug.  I just...I don't see much hope going forward For once, the age issue, I see being an issue. I have already run through most of the medications, and they don't know what to do for me...at the age of 21!  What the hell?!  There has to be someone out there who can help!

Sweetheart, I second everything that Stevie has said.  You have been through so much and at such a young age and it's just not fair.  But we can never know what is around the corner.  When things get too much for me I just stop thinking ahead and take it in tiny chunks. Sometimes I can't even bare to think past the next couple of hours, let alone the rest of my life.  But I try to focus on my crafts and card making, and more recently jewellery making and it serves as a great distraction. Yes, doing these things increases my pain, but it also gives me a sense of achievement and that is so important for our mental health. I've seen your work and you have an amazing talent - nothing can take that away from you.

I wish I had the words to help you better.  All I can do is send you a very big virtual hug   Never give up hope,

Spicey

Thank you for your kind and very wise words.  I am terribly terribly sorry that you went through a loss so hard to come back from.  Some days are better than others, when it comes to coping, and I cannot thank everyone on this forum, including you, enough for your continued responses to my utterly emotional messages.