Dealing with the bitterness... - ChronicPainSite Forums

This part of the site appealed to me specifically tonight as this is something that is directly affecting me currently.
I haven't really introduced myself, so a brief introduction to my condition at the very least is as such: I was ten when my doctor took me aside stating he would help me. My mom was being held back by a nurse. Before my mother entered the room, I was prepped and on a table in an everyday doctor's office room, ready for him to slice me open.
Just prior I had left yet another apt with the ultrasound team who were on the search for the remainder of a foreign object lodged deep into my foot. The piece itself was 13mm. Anyway...it's now been eleven years, and I have been dealing with this through what should have been a childhood, and what should have been a beginning to a University life. When talking to disability services, I was told oh yes, there can be exceptions... well...not when the final decision rests on profs that really have no understanding of how damaging it can be.
The doctor I was dealing with was neglectful in aspects of my care, which also led to some severe troubles last semester when I collapsed due to severe anemia- a hemoglobin of 70 and an Iron level of 5. I also had multiple infections as it had been left for so long, and have finally been seeing a new doctor at a Walk in clinic that caught internal bleeding.
It is an extremely scary and severe disease that is more than just a pain (and I know I don't have to explain this to the people on this group, I am just getting really emotional)....
It has lead to a lot of other pain and emotional hurt, as well as a feeling of utter abandonment, when all you need is someone to say that it's ok, an extension of a day or two isn't that big of a deal once in a while when you're having such a hard time. But unless you have something well publicized and easily referenced, it is incomprehensible.
I am sorry. I guess I went on a bit of a rant and a little further from my original topic, it's just that it's hard to keep fighting against becoming bitter against the people that don't understand when you hear so much of it, and they're not willing to hear your side of it. I just don't want to become someone who isolates themselves because I did that once before, and it took me until 2yr of university to reach out; and I still suffer from social anxiety, but I am fighting it. This group is a wonderful idea, if there's anything that I can do to help raise awareness here, please don't hesitate to ask. I may not be able to do much during the semester, but in the summer, I would love to get involved.
Further, the other group I am actually involved with, is Chronic Pain Revolutions. It is another forum and support group.
Thank you for your time.
-Sam

Hi Sam, and I'm terribly sorry you're feeling so alienated and in so much pain. Members here with all sorts of diseases that cause chronic pain daily, fight the same battle that you're fighting, so as you already know from being in a support forum, you're definitely not alone, and more so, we understand and empathize with you.

It sounds like you've been dealing with this since you were a young child right through up until now, and I can't imagine how hard that would be if you missed out on those childhood and teenage years.
I'm sorry hon, but I'm not understanding what is causing your chronic pain, can you elaborate a little bit more when you feel comfortable?

Sam there are people that will try their hardest to understand your pain and what it means to you not having a "normal" life, and then there's the one's that for many reasons just won't, I personally try to believe it's not because they're mean spirited but perhaps even afraid, amongst a long list of other reasons?

Just know that we're all here for you to help however we can. What are you studying in University? That's wonderful that you're not allowing this to control your life and your dreams, that says a lot about your character Sam.

We look forward to hearing more from you as your time allows, and are very glad that you chose to join us in our journey of Chronic Pain.

Take care and have a good day,
Donna

Hi Sam,

I too am really sorry to hear about the issues you have been dealing with. Trying to deal with the bitterness is something that many of us have faced on this chronic pain journey. Something that has helped me to try and make sense of it, is to keep telling myself that no matter how much explaining I try to do, people who haven't been through it can never really understand what it's like. So now I don't even talk much about what my issues are. I still get angry, and sad, and frustrated as we all do. But just learning to accept that people cannot understand does help a little. The other thing to do is to try really hard to stay focused on what positives we have in our lives. And yes, that can be very tough when we constantly being bashed down with pain. You are studying, you haven't given up and let the pain win so already you are showing amazing strength of character.

We don't have all the answers here, but we are always here to listen if that helps. Take care and keep in touch,

Spicey

PS. Is your avatar a picture of one of your pets? Very sweet!

thanks. I appreciate the responses. The professor I made mention to regarding one of the catalysts to these hostile feelings, and honestly, wanting to just walk away... sent me another email with such a mocking tone. God, sometimes I just wish for a day she could know what it's like to have an illness that isn't the flu. She doesn't seem to believe they exist, and as a result, she's involved my senior tutor for one single bad grade- which I have never let myself get before in any class, so I already am having a hard time dealing with the fact I let it get that bad.
Anyway, the pain was caused by 4 surgeries to remove that 13mm object from my foot. It had embedded itself in my foot on an angle, and deep into the tissue/muscle.
The doctor...the family practitioner... that decided to become a self proclaimed surgeon at my expense ignored the copy of the final ultra sound picture, and cut straight. I will never forget the look on his face when he realized that he was definitely in over his head.
That same day I was sent to the hospital to have a surgeon work on finishing what he had started. By this time, no orthopedic surgeon would touch me. I was originally supposed to be sent to Sick kids for this procedure, and have a proper surgeon perform this, but my overconfident family practitioner thought he could do the job just as well.
So...he spent a long time digging around while I was screaming from the pain, and then stitched it up loosely, told me to go home and have some supper, but go to the hospital at 6... (please explain to me how a traumatized 10 year old is supposed to pretend nothing happened after over an hour of someone violating her foot and already off to a bad start when her mother was held back by a nurse while the doctor sweettalked her into thinking that he was going to make the pain go away....seeing that doctor's face...knowing that there's more pain to come, and oh, her own father on shift work hasn't even been appraised of the situation yet... oy...)
So, went to the hospital and the surgeon- under more local anesthetic- dug around. Unfortunately was unsuccessful. He booked a date for me to come back in two or so weeks to try again, only under general anesthetic.
We did this, and by this time, he only removed scar tissue. Nothing more. After more than an hour of digging around, and some bleeding issues, he closed me up.
We hoped that it would have at least alleviated some of the issues, but it didn't. By November, the pain was crippling. I couldn't get out of bed, and when in bed, I was screaming in agony. I was already on Ty3 and anti inflammatories, but they were doing little to quell the pain.
November 28 came, and in again, I went. Only this time apparently, they decided to keep me in a controlled sedated state while I was being worked on. Apparently this meant that I was on a conscious level, asleep, a subconsious level, I was picking up on everything.
This surgery was again, over an hour, longer than the others. He didn't want to leave without removing the object.
The trauma to my foot was extensive, and I have spiralling issues in my hands (arthritis) I have knee and hip and back problems...not to mention the medications I have been paraded on and off. For a while they attributed it all to depression- oh, but get this...not because I was depressed...but because I am in chronic pain, and it's inevitable I will eventually become depressed. So why not just throw that into the mix now instead of treating it as a symptom later on.
My doctor's lack of attention has been an issue causing constant withdrawal periods when his office is late refilling the medications. If I call in a week ahead...I get yelled at: "why are you out so early!?" I try and explain that the date is merely approaching and I have no refill, and merely need it on file at the pharmacy for such&such a date. You think that'd be simple enough. Apparently not.
That's pretty much...well, sadly...a short version of things. But a version none the less.
I am studying history at Trent. Or at least, trying to. I love English and decided to take a class on Milton- apparently that was a mistake. nonetheless, history is an amazing degree to go for, I don't know, it's always been a passion along with english and with politics, so, it's nice to be able to throw some electives in there for fun. I guess I will find out if all this money on tuition was for nothin' in the next few months. I have tried not to let my illness prevent me from trying to get through this, but there's always something new, and now with the Anemia which they now know is due to internal bleeding, I just don't know what's going to happen.
My avatar is a pet of mine, I have always had a love of rats, and there's something about the stigma against them (I used to work with the humane society doing seminars and such to try and teach about rats and how amazing a creature they are) they're so misunderstood, and yet, so empathetic, and kind, they've become my strength in life as well. The one in my avatar just recently passed away.
I wish all of you all the best as well, and thank you for letting me...just vent. The other forum site has become more of a discussion on medical marijuana, and as such, I have very little to contribute since I have no personal experience other than other pain sufferrers I have known to proceed through that line of treatment.
Again, thank you. I hope that you are having some luck in treatment. Chronic pain is not easily categorized but hopefully in time they will come to redefine it, and more doctors will take it seriously...and there will be some awareness campaigns.

First of all welcome my fellow Ontarian!! We're few believe me!

So you went through all of this torture I'm going to refer to it, to have this object removed from your foot, and it has now effected other parts of your body. Wowzers, that would indeed be a hard pill to swallow all right.
Is there nerve damage from all of this that's causing part of your pain? Sorry hun, having a hard time grasping all of this I'm still stuck as to why you weren't sent to Sick Kids!!
What do you take for pain and did they ever figure out what this 13mm object was?

Oh, sorry, mistake. The object was 13mm in the foot, and 17mm long. It was a piece of a cocktail toothpick believe it or not. They started me off with Gabapentin, and from there I have been on a total of 27 medications. Seen 8 different psychologists. 2 pain clinics. The main issue was my age. It was hard to get any serious consideration as a 13year old, or a 15 year old.
When I was at sick kids, I was 12, taken aside and told that I would be dealing with this forever alone and would need to learn how to deal with that because no one will ever understand it or be able to help me. Etc... It was quite traumatizing as a child, I understand perhaps where they were coming from now, being almost 22, but as a child, and as someone whom the medical system had abandoned, I was quite terrified. Although it did prepare me for what was to happen.
I have had two near death experiences in the last one year, and it's true that you will be poked and prodded and misunderstood and categorized, and passed around... it was terrifying.
There was severe nerve damage caused by the surgeries. There haven't been anything more than medications explored yet, I am hoping that now I am away from the asshole (sorry, but I have trouble referring to him as an actual doctor)- I will get some help, and be able to explore options.
It's terrifying, I just don't want to give up, and I have been so so close. Last year I was barely able to get out of bed (later discovered it was due to anemia) but I was told it was my disease, and that that would be my life. I would be in bed 20 hours a day, not sleeping, but in agony despite the pain relievers I was popping like candy trying to find relief. I had stopped eating, stopped having a period... I had lost all color in my skin...asshole kept blaming it on stress, even though I was actually less stressed than at the beginning of the year.
This I suppose, goes to show that there's hope, even when you can't see it.

I am curious. I am alone here, and nervous about taking a new medication after so long. I have been treated with Narcotics as my main method of pain relievers, along with anti-inflammatories, and my new doctor suggested a trial of a drug called Statex. Basically a 10mg dose of morphine sulfate. Somewhat more potent than the Ty3/Naproxen/Ty1 mixture with Hydromorph-contin.
do you have any experience with this medication, or know anything about it? I was placed on imovane and it was extremely dangerous while I was adjusting to it. I don't want to have any random illeffects unexpectedly. I wasn't warned about the imovane, so I was just curious if anyone had any personal advice on that one. Thanks.
Currently, they're managing it with: Gabapentin; topomax, imovane, hydromorphcontin, ty#3, advil 400 (in place of Naproxen for now due to internal bleeding), lorazepam, sertraline and the statex to come.
I have been diagnosed with Truamatic Digital Neuropathy, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety disorder, OCD, Chronic Fatigue and Insomnia, RSD, Arthritis. That was as of 2007.

Good heavens Mian I'm so sorry to read all of this my heart goes out to you and at such a young age as well.

Actually I have tried Statex, I started off with that finally and I'll have to go look way back on my thread to see what the dosage was. I personally didn't have any problems with it, just that I required something stronger so am now on Kadian ER (12 hrs) morphine again, really the only opiod I can tolerate.
As you know, we all react to meds differently, so I can't advise you whether to try it or not hon, I can only tell you that I had no ill effects.

Let us know how you make out with if you do decide to give it a shot. It's too bad that you're alone, no family or friends close by? Are you seeing a Pain Management Dr btw?
Wishing you the best

Thanks. I totally understand that all will react differently, but it's a little comforting to hear that you've had no ill effects. No, family is 3 hours away. It's just my mom and dad and I that deal with this. I have become distanced to the rest of my family. All of whom live far away anyway. Unfortunately this illness impacted my social life quite negatively. I have a few friends here, but none that I feel close enough to burden with the responsibility of helping me out if my health is not good.
I don't have a pain doctor. I went to Toronto Western for a bit, but they were supposed to work through my family practitioner of the time, but he neglected to follow up and we lost touch.
I wouldn't mind trying again. I am going to Sunnybrook for treatment for the anemia, I might see if they're taking patients in their clinic.
How about yourself? Have you had luck with pain management clinics?

Honestly? The Pain Management Clinic in Hamilton has been my savior both physically and mentally! I have 2 awesome Dr's, I've been referred to other Dr's, by them, ordered MRI's, EMG's plus different type of injections, which speaking of I have one on the 22nd this time for the SI Joint to hopefully ease some of the lower back pain. I've not had much luck with these steroid injections unfortunately, so this is really my last attempt, even though I've had them in different areas, do not like those steroids going into my system, then hello poof woman!!

It must be difficult dealing with all of this when you're living alone and your parents not handy to you.
So yes, I highly recommend this clinic to everyone, problem being patients come from all over, I was on a waiting list for almost a year, whether anything has changed I don't know.

Hi Sam,

Welcome to the gang! Hug

As a fellow rat lover (though haven't had one as a pet since I was a teen), I have to say I LOVE your avatar!

My heart goes out to you, I can't imagine starting to live with pain at 10, I thought 17 was bad! I'd imagine you must have a difficult time walking with how strong foot pain can be with so many nerve endings there and how much damage was done to your foot. Pinch

I have a bunion and nerve pain from my back that cause foot pain, but was cringing when reading what was done to you and can't imagine how severe the pain must be! Disapprove

Is your back and hip pain from arthritis or from not being able to walk properly with your foot injuries? Do you use something to help with mobility, such as a cane or crutches?

Do you currently have psychological help? I know for me, seeing a pain psychologist helped me quite a bit. I was injured by a doctor doing things during surgery that he shouldn't have and I think it's not easy to get over WHY it happened and why to you. Having been through this so young is worse, and I was thinking of PTSD since I know I have symptoms, and I also think problems with anxiety would be common after such trauma occurs. I first started having panic attacks after I went through Worker's Compensation after hurting my back. I was also collapsing a lot, and couldn't rely on my body and when it would happen, so I tended to be very nervous going out. When I went back to college after having back surgery, I kept having pain attacks in the middle of class. As you likely know, it's awful! Both anxiety problems and depression are common when dealing with chronic pain, unfortunately. Also, if you don't feel like you're being helped by a psychologist or psychiatrist, I'd reccomend switching to one you feel more comfortable with. I honestly feel with all we go through with pain issues and how it affects our lives, having some type of psychological treatment to help us cope and recover along with pain management is very important. I'm sure you've realized how much feeling angry or depressed can hurt pain, so it's important to come to some sort of balance.

I truly feel for you in so many ways. Socially, most younger people are still feeling physically invincible and have no clue of what those in chronic pain deal with on a daily basis. I'm very glad you're going to college and think it's important to continue if you physically can. I'm not sure what happened in the first post where you mentioned the disability office at college, but I know they helped me with having different seating in classrooms and letting me park closer to class. Of course, I parked where everyone could see me and had been collapsing a lot, so it was embarrassing to park where everyone watched me get out! If you need help with a professor or help at school because of trouble getting around, please don't hesitate to take it to a Disability office and if that doesn't help, to student affairs.

I haven't taken Statex and am not quite sure what type of medication it is, though it sounds strong from the talk! I've taken various morphine-type drugs such as Oxycontin, Oxycodone, and am now on Methadone as my "strongest" medication. I wish I knew enough about Statex, but don't and know different medications help different people, and there's only one way to truly know if it's working for you. I started pain management toward the end of the first year after my pelvic nerves were injured during surgery. I feel pain management is important for chronic, moderate to severe pain which is sounds like you have, especially if you aren't getting treated well with other doctors. They can get you on a combination of medicines that can work best for you as well as trying other treatments they feel may work for you. I rarely hear of someone on a single medicine that makes all the difference, but usually a combination of different medicines. Also, you're a lot less likely to be doubted by pain management as well.

I have a question for you- if your closest friends called needing a ride somewhere, would you be willing to do it if that friend couldn't get where he/she needed to be without help? Chances are the friends that offer truly mean it when they offer to help you. Just something to keep in mind. We're all stubborn asking for help, but do need it at times. I think it's important to think of it reversed so you can think of how a true friend wouldn't view doing something to help you as a burden.

One last thing here- You're very strong to be living on your own and going to college when dealing with so much pain, I admire your determination. Please know we're here for you, and you're always welcome to vent here as we *do* understand how hard it is to deal with constant pain.

Hey, are you close enough to go where Tink goes? That would be great if you could go somewhere another member has gone to and feels good aobut recommending! I'm hoping it's possible for you!

Take good care of yourself,
Kat

Mian,

Welcome to our website, first of all. I read through your posts, and it is just not conceivable to me that you were so poorly treated and traumatized as a child. Horrible.

You have been through way too much, but I do hope that we may offer you some support and encouragement here.

Morphine sulfate is the "gold standard" by which other narcotic pain relievers are judged. We have a piece in the "Medical Information and More" Forum on Pain Medications for chronic pain patients, which talks about MS. I did this from a reference from the American Pain Society's Handbook, and you just made me realize that I need to re-do this to add the names of meds that our Canadian and UK and Australian members use. We basically have many of the same things, but they are named differently.

At any rate this drug that you are going on is the IR (immediate release) and side effects are mentioned in that article. They are all pretty much the same. Watch for constipation as with all of the narcotics, it is a problem.

Again, welcome to CPS and I look forward to getting to know you better. Stevie

Thank you so much, I really appreciate all the words of support and hope that I can contribute as well, once I explore more aspects of the forum. I can't believe that doctor's can get away with so much. As frustrating as what happened to me was, I always blamed it on my being too young to step to insist the family doc give me the referral he had promised. I hope that the doctor that caused you so much pain, is no longer practicing. It is a small comfort, but it is one none the less I wish I had pursued when I was younger. I would love to try and get into a new pain clinic. Now that I am with a new doctor, he seems a little more open to try new avenues, so I am really hopeful (though careful) to get him to give me some referrals.
I am sorry that you had to go through something so terrible at so young as well. I have met a few people that were 30 or 40 when they started dealing with their illness, and I hate the fact that I almost envy the age. Friendships, relationships..or lack there of... trying to get through school, and while bullying is a normal part of childhood, being attacked both physically and emotionally because of an illness you can't control...it's just hard to deal with and does affect the person you become later on. It's hard to try and relate to the people your age talking about all of these experiences you'll never come to know because of what's happened to you.
On the plus side.... yes, I am seeing a psychologist. I finally found one that was a perfect fit. I had been bounced around and after a search of 8 over the term of my illness, I got in touch with one in the new town I am living in, and she's been wonderful help. I used to be really good at compartmentalizing all my feelings regarding everything, including about the illness, and she's gotten me to confront those feelings. But it's a hard ride.
The knee, hip and back pain are from being unable to place any pressure on the entire foot, so I walk on the side of it, and as such, my tendons and muscles have grown awkwardly and also when I was younger I was pushed into doing some physed and ended up having my small tendon snapped because it was still weak since it was after about a week of being off crutches.
The arthritis is only in my hands so far.
I am so happy to meet a fellow rat fan as well! That's awesome! I don't think I would have made it so far without my little guys. They're so affectionate.
again, thanks everyone for such a warm welcome.

Sam,

Please don't blame anything that happened to you on YOU. We're all brought up looking up to doctors and thinking the best of them, and most doctors really ARE good people. The social dynamic of us looking up to doctors like we do (or used to do) tends to put us in a submissive role, and it's not until we have something happen that we tend to question our responses to them. I'm sure both you and your Mom learned a horrible lesson that day. Unhappy

Kids can be horribly cruel to anyone that's different in ANY way. My best childhood friend was diagnosed with leukemia both in 4th grade and then relapsed in 8th grade. It still makes me mad to think of what she went through! I can only imagine what awful things you went through. I do understand what you mean about wishing this hadn't happened until you were older and you were real young, and I think one thing that differentiates many of us injured younger from our peers is we really do get what is important (health, loved ones, etc) at a younger age than many. Thank goodness for internet support groups, hm?! Also, one of the best things I can pass on is to not put an age limit on your friends.

I'm glad you've found a good fit with a psychologist, it's so important to have that connection! I consulted with a few and think a bad fit might be worse than no psychologist sometimes! It has to be very difficult to relive all you've went through, it's definitely hard work. I think it'll be good for you in the long run though and will help put things in perspective.

Can you get special shoes or find some type of walking device to help you walk in a more balanced way? I can only imagine how that would interfere with development since you were so young at the time. What about some type of physical therapy? I'd imagine you can't step on the area of damage on your foot, right? I can only imagine the scar tissue from how terribly your foot was dug into, grrrr!

My first pet rat was in high school, when someone let a bunch free in the cafeteria to scare everyone. I talked a friend into letting me keep his and named it Vern. He used to hop with a cracker or chip in his mouth like a rabbit would, he was so funny! There were three total at the time. I've currently been babysitting a hermit crab for the last 8 months or so. It's my brother's, but when he was married and had his son, I think he decided to leave it here since I was giving it lots of special food and taking good care of it. I definitely have to give it back soon, the last thing I would want is for it to die on me!

I'm POSITIVE you'll be able to contribute here! You'd be amazed at just how much you've learned through the years that can help others. That's how it was for me as well, I joined a group and was surprised that I could actually answer questions! I know others have felt the same. Think of someone here with foot pain asking for advice- you probably know more about foot pain that most doctors!

Take good care and hope to talk to you soon,
Kat

Your message was so overwhelmingly supportive. I am so taken aback by the support here. I felt bad after my first post for being so emotional and bitter, but the amount of understanding --I am literally tearing right now in appreciation. It's been a hard road, and if there's anything I can help with, that's one reason I wanted to join. I think there comes a point where you have to try and place meaning to what you're going through, and I am not very accepting of the "part of a plan" phrase, because it hurts more than just knowing it happened, and I have to move on. So my purpose is to try and put it to use. If anything I have said any one wants to talk about, I am a sympathetic ear as well.
yea, when I was younger my parents had a hard time, but did understand, the fact that I didn't hang out with my age group. I had one friend that was a year older, the rest were over 5. But it came to a point where there was a maturity level when I was younger I needed before I could relate. Now a days, I have friends my age, all the way to in their late 60s. Some one I care about very deeply suffers from fybro...one of the issues I have been having is trying to separate our symptoms. She was the first person I ever met who was going through chronic pain. She took me in like a daughter when I had no where to live for three months. But I see what's happened to her, and I am so scared for her. She has given up, and I want to help her.
I do agree with the comment about a bad psychologist can be worse than none. Oh man, I have had a few in my time. I guess that's par for the course though, eh? Looking back, all you can do is chuckle at how the situation progressed.
I have an appointment with the psych tomorrow actually. A little nervous. She keeps referring me to other places too. I just don't know if I have the courage to handle everything at once, you know?
Again, thank you for your kind words, Kat. I hope to talk to you soon again, and if there's anything time you need an ear, don't hesitate to PM either. Sometimes those bad days can be hard to handle.
Take care, and may you have a low pain day.
-Sam

Sam,

I just wanted to wish you good luck with your appointment tomorrow. Please don't be nervous, you have it so together it is incredible. I don't think that any of us have the courage to handle everything all at once, so I would say that up front. But from having read your posts, you have the courage after all you have been through to handle more than you know. Hugs to you. Stevie

Good luck with your appointment Sam. Going through all the psychology processes can be very draining, and also pretty overwhealming. It's better to deal with things one at a time, in manageable chunks. I hope you have a successful visit and let us know how you get on,

Spicey

PS. I love rats too - I think they make fantastic pets

Hi Sam

I am in Australia where the treament of Chronic Pain is seen as vital. We are given narcotics to give us quality of life and I do believe it works out more cheaply for the Government if people can stay at home - and yes - people on strong drugs do have a better qualitiy of life but there is still pain. - It never goes away entirely -

You say you are dealing with bitterness - you may feel bitter but I don't detect it in your writing. In fact I would hazard a guess that you have done a lot of writing in a journal or something similar and you have been letting your bitterness out in that way.

Still - if you are feeling bitter - then you have every right to feel so - after the shabby way you have been pushed around. I had surgery on one of my feet when I was 3 and I still remember how traumatized I was. I had chlorophorm - but I had no idea what was going on and it has left more than a scar on my ankle. I still wear socks most of the time - even though I have accumumulated a lot more scars through my life I still wear socks to cover that scar.

But about your bitterness - I might be wrong but I think if you were really bitter - you would not write that as the heading of your posts. My mother is the Arch-Queen of bitter people but she would never mention it - never write exact details of the pain and the memories and the helplessness and indignities you have heaped one on top of the other.

I can only hope that this can be rectified - in the first instance a person with good first aid skills could have probably fixed your foot - but this has gone on too long and caused more trouble than necessary - if this happened it me - I would be pretty angry.

But all of us here have had our times of bitterness, anger, helplessness, grief and hate

We have been pilloried by people who often know less than we do

But I would encourgage you to continue your studies. I wrote my minor thesis on John Milton's Effects on our Interpretation of The Archeytpe of the Fall.

It may well be you are closer than you think to finding some kind of answer reading Milton than you think

But as everyone else has written - you are among friends here

Lin

Thank you so much for your words. You are very wise, heh. Very very much so. You have me down to a T. I have accumulated many journals. It's funny reading what you said; you know me better than many of my friends. Thank you so so much. I don't know what more to say than that. I feel so bad for what you went through as well. I can't imagine being that young. I thought 10 was bad, but 3...that definitely doesn't leave. I am glad to hear that you went through school and everything with what you went through. Milton is an amazing author, I am just so used to writing History essays, not used to writing line for line.
You are extremely perceptive, and I really thank you for your comments. They were comforting. It's hard when you start to feel apathetic, you don't know if that's just exhaustion or if that's starting to become who you are. I was afraid that I was starting to be unable to feel for others. I think it's a search for that balance between taking on others' issues, or just being able to be there for them, too.
Take care,
-Sam

Sam

Thanks for acknowledging what I wrote - I have learned wisdom - I am still learning wisdom.

I prayed for wisdom many many years ago and I started getting it that very day. It's a good thing to have but the getting of wisdom is a painful path

I did my studies as a mature age student - I was an accountant - and I still had to work from time to time when my children were young so I did my degree as soon as they went to school and eventually worked full time and studied part time and got divorced

And a wealth of lifetime experiences lie in that one paragraph.

I am reading Tolkein at the moment - and consider that none of us that find ourselves we a burden - one that increases it's weight as we go - and can turn our minds were it will - is not some-thing anyone would ever want to endure - but we all must endure something - this is the way the world is.

But I mentioned my mother - she suffered emotionally as a child - her father and sister died when she was very young. I have heard her say that if anyone had - problems it should be her because she grew up in a single parent family - but alas - I don't think she is likely to see her problems now

I have a carer who comes on Friday for respite - and she and I talk about very deep subjects - and one of our interests is why is it that some people really grow through their afflictions - where as others are cut to the bone and never see their role in life's drama.

Most of the great philosophers and scholars in history were people who suffered. Charles Darwin was ill from an undiagnosed illness most of his life - and over-researched - but pestered by his friends finally got his work published. Because of his friends now - we know not just what Darwin published - we know his research as well

Rene Descartes died of severe chest infections because he was summons to the court to teach philosophy to the princess at the time and she wanted to have her lessons before her official duties for the day began and going out in winter weather long before dawn finished him off - and yet the convoluted sentences he wrote on dreams and methodology intrigued me for a whole semestre - and I wish that princess had let him stay in bed in the morning so we could have more of him to read in the C20th - and I mean the twentieth Century

John Milton too - and C S Lewis - I read literature at university but of course I had to read history as well

I shall go through some of the great poets and find some lines that show us how pain is expressed along with the wisdom at grows

I know a fine mind when I read what it writes - don't stop - your writing is your salvation

Lin

Mian,

As humans we are all reflective of experiences in our childhood and carry those with us into adulthood, some people are more reflective and countenance current behaviour based on what happened long ago, we all live with our experiences and it is harder for some, based on what happened to let go.

In our childhood we are all recipients of others mode and methods of behaviour that become our norm we should not be too harsh on ourselves.

Dr Tennant’s words that we should not make everything a drama are important otherwise the drama itself becomes more important than any issue, a lifestyle or trait of expression. We are not here based on a hierarchy of angst as many have inherent competence to endure those things that perhaps mere mortals would find difficult to overcome, as with chronic pain.

If we always go with the concept that we are correct, we are in for a rude awakening, we have to have trust and faith in the potential for improvement and leave the doctoring to those who have accumulative knowledge. If your heart was bad would you decide on the process based on just having the condition, or let the cardiologist provide some input. Those people from my PM team were ideally placed to help me the most, they did not have to have pain to be able to listen, understand or be constructive, it is a myth to suggest, only those in pain know the best.

Bitterness although understandable is corrosive and pernicious, it can if we let it pervade our future and stifle improvement, it is reflective and presents an imaginary perspective of how things might have been, not based on reality. It could eat you up and spit you out if you let it.

We are correct to acknowledge those events and they may well live with us for a lifetime, how influential or what impact they have in our future is up to us as individuals to decide. It is not beneficial to bash ourselves on the head every day from those childhood issues, that we have to learn to manage and live alongside.

My own wife experienced unimaginable events in her childhood that she only ever told me, one would never know on meeting her that those things were behind her beautiful aura, to her credit she has moved on.

The ethos of this site is for us to take charge and empower ourselves towards change, it is harder than we imagined.

Who are you.

http://www.noogenesis.com/game_theory/johari/johari_window.html

Your enthusiasm for learning is infectious and good luck in the future.

John58

John - my mother has believed all her life that she is always correct and I am wondering when her rude awakening will come - seriously - my sister is younger than me and has a chance I think - and her daughter might just make it because I am her aunt and she respects me

The thing is - our feelings are always correct. They are valid - whatever they are. They are most likely not sound but they are valid.

My belief is strong that we badly need to respect other people's feelings - and their choices - even if we do not agree - we all have the right to our opinion - yours too - I feel strongly here

I agree with you that bitterness is corrosive and pernicious. I have seen this in my mother and I have suffered badly - and with a family like this I am on my back foot constantly because I am a thinker - and I know I am hardly ever right.

But bitterness can be written out of one's soul. I have done this about my ex-husband. For years my blame and hatred for the way he treated our son was repressed and I dreamed often of the last years of our marriage and they were horrific nightmares

I saw him for the first for years over a year ago now - and the next morning I realised what a bad thing had festered without my knowing it - and now - the nightmares have stopped and I feel nothing toward him - in fact - I feel a trace of concern because he does not care for himself and recently had a serious heart attack and nearly died.

Awareness of our bitterness heals us if we can write it out and talk it out and experience this acrid emotion to its depths.

We have free will and because of this we can be victims to other people's bad choices - alas - it can go the other way

Owning our bitterness is the first choice toward healing - and forgiveness is freely given if asked from the One who gave us free will - however we perceive the One.

But as usual - I find your post really interesting as well as insightful and well written.

I have missed you lately - I hope things have not been too bad for you -

Lin

Hi Sam,

We haven't touched base with you in awhile, and I am hoping that you are OK. Please let us know how you are getting along when you have some time. Best wishes to you. Stevie

Sorry that it has been a while, I appreciate your inquiry. I am not well at the moment, I have been dealing with some more health problems and it's kind of been rough on the psyche trying to figure out a way to deal with all of these new things and get through the next two months of school.
i don't know whether I should just walk away or not.
I definitely hope to get back into writing more on this site once I am better able to focus myself and figure out what to do. I just feel so...stuck, if that makes sense. The more I keep seeing what future awaits me, the harder it is to be optimistic about fighting it.
It's hard being on my own here, too, while going through all of this, my best friend is about 6hrs away, and she tries so hard, and I love her for it. But distance is hard when a bad day comes and I am scared and need someone. Night terrors have become a big pain, hense why I am awake right now, I am terrified at the idea of closing my eyes again.
I also found out that I definitely have a severe bleeding problem, but they don't know where or why. *sigh*...It can't just be one thing. Has to be a million. And the GE I happened to get is someone who doesn't believe in my condition and mocks it. ARG.
I don't know, I give up arguing with people like that though, I just keep telling him that he deals with stomachs so good thing you don't have to worry about it anyway.
There'll always be people out there like that.
We Chronic Pain sufferers need our own ribbons and such.
Anyway, I should try and get some rest before school tomorrow. The least I can do is my readings.
Thanks though, seriously, it was kind of you to check in. :] I hope things are going better for you. And well, for everyone on this site.
Warm weather's around the corner (though...so are pressure changes...)but I hope that it is a good thing for most!
Good night!

Sam,

I so wish that I could reach through this computer and give you a big hug. I understand how you can feel stuck and I also understand the uncertainty about what the future holds. I guess the thing that keeps me going is the flip side of that---we never know what strides will be made to help us. You are young and a lot will come along in your lifetime, so never give up hope.

I would like to see you stick out the next two months of school. My education came a bit later in my life, and I am really glad now that I stuck it out and it wasn't easy. But I did it. So please don't give up on yourself.

We have many members who are alone and looking for support---they are here. Maybe someone needs to start a thread about this---at least those members who need someone to reach out to in the middle of the night may be able to find a way of getting together.

At any rate, thank you honey for taking the time to write back. I know that your life is hectic with trying to stay in school and battle these issues. Keep trying as hard as you can. Also know that we are here for you too. Hugs, Stevie

Sam

I am with Stevie - living alone with pain is tough - and there are a number of us in this solo fight for our qualitiy of life

And if you are able - try and continue your education - it's more that just learning things - education empowers people - it will empower you

It empowered me - education is a wonderful thing and once learning is a way of life - you never stop learning

And yes - we do need a thread for us - the loners with the mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights of pain and sometimes depression and despair

When I woke up this morning - and my daughter turned 38 today - I spent my private time in thinking and prayer and knew that there is no other way I want to live now - I have been alone for 20 years - and I have had my choices with partners - I just never wanted to remarry or even live with anyone else again

But that doesn't mean it's easy - I often wake up feeling as if I am in a hole - but it passes off cause I know it will - it does

If no one else has started a thread - I will start one for us

Lin

Hi Sam! I'm so happy to see your post, but am sad to hear you're struggling right now. Hug

It's tough being at college, especially when you don't know people. I went to college a bit late as I had my first back surgery at 19 and it took a year recovery, then I went to community college and transferred. I ended up surrounded by young screaming 18-year- olds going wild since they were away from home for the first time. If ANYONE can tell me WHY they ran up and down the hall screaming for no reason, I'd love to know! For someone with insomnia and pain, they're lucky they survived!!! I later found some people with similar likes, but the first week I remember looking out my window at some deer crying at how lost and alone I felt. You ALWAYS have us, don't forget that, ok? You can post here anytime of the day or night, and while there aren't as many on at night, you are cared about here and part of the CPS family, so don't forget that!!! Big%20smile

Now, I definitely agree with Lin about feeling empowered from education. Please try to stick it out unless you REALLY can't. I was angry for quite a while as I was injured right out of graduating from college and planning to go to graduate school, but I did learn a lot in college that's helped me quite a bit. How much longer do you have?

Would sleeping pills help with night terrors or some type of anti-anxiety medication at night? I've been having horrible nightmares since I changed my medication and I'm constantly waking up crying (if I'm not being murdered, my family is), but night terrors are even worse. PLEASE try and get help with them, or else the rest of college will be hell if you are unable to sleep. Unhappy

Can you switch to a different doctor? Sounds like you have a hard-headed one that isn't giving you the help you need.

You know, I started a "living alone" thread a long time ago, but think a new one would be nice. Judy floored all of us at all she'd learned to do around her house that I'd be begging someone for help with! Lin, it would be great if you're up to starting a new one, I think we'd all appreciate it.

Take good care Sam, I hope you continue to post more often.
Hug

Kat

Hey Kat

I did start one last night my time

People living alone are vulnerable and we do need a friend or two about in the same situation

It's great that I am in a different time zone - it means I am more likely to be on-line at certain times than people in the same time zone - though my sleep pattern is strange atm

Those of us walking to chat at strange times could get into messenger - that would be brilliant - I don't have many people on my messenger list

This should be good Kat - but are your sure mine thread would be better - what about yours?

Lin

hey. Thanks for all the support. I really hope that something like that can be worked out.
Things have taken a turn for the worse in the last three weeks, and I will be losing everything I have worked so hard to earn. I will also be losing my independence- which is lonely sometimes, but I am merely trading it in to move into the middle of no where, and I no longer have my license due to cost and health...so I will be stuck there instead. No ability to just go for a walk in a town if I am feeling isolated. I am scared about this change. I am losing the people I care about, and the one psychologist I had found that actually was able to help me out of 7 who did nothing.
I know myself, I will need this group more than ever in the next few weeks and even months to get through the transition and the fear of surgeries. I am so lost, and scared. And I am so tired of fighting.
I feel like a burden even to my friends, I can't even have a relationship because a month in, once they start to see my illness, they walk away. This is going to be my life?
I am sorry it's sort of a self indulgent post right now, I can't hold back the tears. I am so tired and can't sleep due to night terrors on top of it all. I just don't know what to do anymore.
The medications are so expensive, and I am so young, I have nothing behind my name. I have no pension, I have had no career job, thus to grow any sort of EI or anything like that to even help me get off my feet. There's the Trillium program here in Canada, but even they are selective of those they choose to help. Again, my bloody age gets called into question.
The opiods aren't working anymore, and the pain is devastating every day. I don't know what else to do.
Next week I go in for a procedure on my stomach- 2 exploratory scopes and a few biopsies. The internal bleeding has proceeded to get worse.
Thank you for providing a place for me to vent this out, I don't know where or to whom else to go.

Sam this is just a brief answer for now honey, but please don't give up on the Trillium, you've got to give it a shot, what do you have to lose really? Your Dr's as well should be able to give you a letter?
I know and understand that this is all extremely overwhelming, but another question are you on Social Assistance? I'm assuming you haven't worked long enough to apply for Canada Pension Disability? Do you know for sure about this?

Why do you have to move and where? Sam I'm in Ontario as well, please don't give up!

As far as relationships go? Believe me there are good men out there that will care about who you are and not about your disabilities. Yes even at your young age.

I want to be able to go through all of your posts again to refresh my memory or lack there of! Then will give a proper reply, but do know that all of us are and will be here for you whenever you need us ok?

Lots of love and hugs sweetie I wish we lived closer
Donna

HI Sam,

Honey, I agree with Donna---please do find out what assistance you are able to get. I am so concerned about you, both physically and emotionally.

Please tell us more about where you are going? It does sound as if you are having to move?

I also am worried about the bleeding, and of course it must be diagnosed. Will you let us know a little more about that and keep us posted after the procedure next week?

I also need to go back and look through your other posts. I know that I am missing things here. Just know that the people on this site do care very much. We will be here for you in spirit and we do want you to get better and to be able to move forward with your life. Please never give up that dream. Stevie

Thank you, I am sorry about going hay-wire with the emotion there, the other night, this is all taking a pretty heavy toll on the emotions. Thank you all for being so very understanding. I don't think you know just how much it is appreciated.
Donna-- Concerning Trillium, I agree, I think it is time I dive into some research about that and see if I can qualify now that I am no longer covered. I didn't when I was under my father's insurance as a student, but since now I will be uninsured (and have taken a few deep breaths), that will definitely be my number one concern. According to my income taxes and my bills, my pills are over 10,000 per year. I can't even fathom that, unassisted. As for Social Assistance, I don't know. I hadn't heard of that one. It will be one I will have to look into, so thank you for mentioning it. This health care system, and government assistance sites aren't easy to navigate when you're upset. And as for a pension, I haven't worked enough, no, not at all. I have had a few part time jobs here and there, but nothing ever long enough to actually start any pension plan (which is another thing I am concerned about in future) As for my doctor... ugh... trying to get a note from him is harder than pulling teeth. I have to have documentation about why I am leaving school abruptly, and he is pushing it onto the specialist (who is only dealing with the internal bleeding issue, not my health care overall which is more why I am leaving and not returning).
As for where I am moving, I am currently in Peterborough to attend Trent, but since I won't be able to attend trent, and be able to get the health care I need from such a distance, I am being cornered into a decision to move back in with the parents. The one thing I don't like about it, is I held off getting my drivers license because the public transit up here is easy and included in our tuition, but my parents live in the middle of no where...that's no exaggeration, you can't even see our neighbors.
It is in Mulmur / Shelburn ontario.
Thank you, I am sorry, I have had a rough go at it when it comes to the men in my life. My first relationship I ever tried ended up being an abusive relationship, includ well, some pretty serious physical trauma and emotional, and then I finally open up and trust someone but of all the things that pushes him away after two years...despite his promises... it was handling me. It hurt. There were a lot of hurtful things said, that still sit with me, and I guess I was just feeling a little vulnerable about that too, that day.
Thank you though, I appreciate your positive outlook, it helps to put things in perspective.
*hugs* as well, thank you. I feel bad for for losing it some times, but I do appreciate the way that you -everyone- never makes me feel foolish for doing so. It means sooo much.
Stevie-- thank you two. You have also consistently been there to offer words of support and I appreciate it. As I said, I will be moving back home, so I guess in a sense, that could be a good thing to be home with my parents who can hopefully help more with the emotional and physical issues I am going through; although, right now it's moreso the issue of having to deal with more loss. Finally got into a new town, found my brother, and we have such a sensitive relationship, I don't want to lose him again... lose this town... lose the people, the freedom, the therapist I found that is ACTUALLY helping me... ugh.
But thank you, I will keep posting and I will update on what happens next week for sure. I really can't thank everyone enough, and hopefully with all the free time I will have, I will be able to get more involved in the site over the summer.
It would be awesome if there could be a Chronic Pain Awareness event, or ribbons to start pushing it out there and letting people become aware. The GE that I had to speak to, didn't believe in chronic pain... *shudders* that took a lot of restraint... but yea...it is clearly still VERY much out there it the most basic sense, this ignorance of Chronic Pain...
I hope you are all well, and talk again soon
Ciao.

Sam,

Try to think of moving back with your parents as a temporary means of gathering yourself into a better place mentally and physically for awhile. That this too shall pass, that you will get on your feet, get these GI issues explored and resolved.

I know that you hate losing your independence and having to stop school. But you are young and you have a lot of life left to live.

School and future relationships will happen for you in time. You are an intelligent and caring person. You have also been through too much in your short life.

I am hoping so much that good things will come to you with this move and that you will get the financial assistance that you need. I know that you are going to be very busy with all that you have going on, but we will be here waiting to hear how things are going for you, whenn you have time, during this transition. Hugs, Sam---Stevie

Sam PM me your email address sweetie and I can help you more with the social assistance if you like?
Where your moving to is a couple of hours from me only now! Who knows?????
I have to agree with Stevie about moving into your parents for now at least, we never know what's waiting for us around the corner honey, so don't give up, won't let you, nope nope!!

Now refresh this memory please about what happened re your drivers license, why you can't drive any more??

Tons of hugs and more!
Donna

Thank you again, so much for the support. I am starting...still struggling at times...but starting to see some of the good that can come of moving.
As for my Drivers license. It was a matter of money once again at first. I had my G1, but there was awesome transportation up here, and it was included in our tuition, so I figured there was no point in paying so much.
Anyway, while I was at school, I couldn't work (I tried, but after two months I was so run down and the pain was so bad, I couldn't do it.-- it was retail, but it was shoes, and it's insane how many adults want you to get on your knees and put their shoes on/ tie them up/ take them off...ugh...
Anyway, without a job, I can't afford insurance.
Now I will be moving into the middle of nowhere, where I will need a job to get money to afford insurance, and yet, I need a car to get to that job to pay for that insurance...so that's going to be a little tricky. No cabs, busses or anything like that, where I live. I literally live,. in the middle of nowhere. Each town, is 45 minutes, minimum. it's crazy.
Oh well, figure something out, right?
I hope you are well.
Ciao!

Sam, just wanted to wish you best of luck with your exploratory surgery for your internal bleeding, I do hope they find the cause and that it's something easily taken care of. I know you're at your parents after wards for a few days and aren't able to post, so please know that you are being thought of and wishing you a quick recovery!!

Hugs sweetie
Donna

Edited by Tinkerbell - Mar/24/2010 at 8:31am

Hey, thanks so much for the well wishes. It went alright. A little odd, because the sedation didn't take, so I was side awake and lucid through the whole thing. Though I did get to watch on an HD screen, and they had a nurse with me to answer all my questions.
The bad part: They didn't find any initial signs of internal bleeding. They did say that I have inflamed esophagus and such and that the internal bleeding fear could have been something that healed itself earlier on. But I do have an issue absorbing Iron. My body doesn't seem to be able to metabolize it. Oh well...It's a start.
I did get into a pain clinic though! Wasser! I have to mail them a questionairre they sent me, but after that, they'll book an apt for me.
Yay!

Oh sweetie that is wonderful news about the pain clinic!!! Get that questionairre into the mail girl, it may take a bit to get that appointment, I hope that it goes wonderfully for you!!

I'm sorry that the exploratory surgery didn't show much, but then again, maybe that's a good thing? How are you feeling now?

Thanks so much for posting, have missed you around here, and actually hubby and I were in your neck of the woods Easter weekend at your Hospital that looks like 5 star hotel!! Holy!

Don't be a stranger now, and make sure you let us know how it goes with the pain clinic ok?

Hugs and more
Donna

Sam--

So happy to see you back here, and way to go getting into the pain clinic.

I am not surprised that they found no initial signs of bleeding during your procedure. I had to have a colonoscopy a few years ago after I had a really bad onset of bleeding--bright red blood that scared the living day lights out of me. The GI guy told me before he even started the exam that he expected to find nothing, and he was right. I also stayed awake for it. He said that you have to see these things almost at the time that they start as they heal so quickly.

So that is very good news and should put your mind to rest.

Please don't be a stranger. We love having you here with us. Stevie

Awe, thank you. I have missed being around. I am feeling well, and admittedly as disappointed in myself and in everything else, that I am about having to leave school prematurely, it has been able to relieve a lot of pressure.
Can't wait to be able to get back into writing again. :) I am touched by your comments, thank you.
:)
Take care!

Sam,

That is why we are here. YOU just said the words that make all of this worthwhile.

I was 39 years old when I went back to school to become a PA (you have no PA's in Canada but maybe Nurse Practitioners?) At any rate, all of my education came late in life. So do NOT worry as this will come back to you also as you get better physically. That much I can promise you.

Have a good night, and glad you are back here with us. Hugs honey. Stevie

Edited by Stevie - Apr/09/2010 at 10:28pm

We should applaud anyone who is trying to work while in pain and at least you tried, keeping up that pace is always more difficult that we imagined initially, that was the right move to stop and it was perhaps unsustainable in the longer term, change is part of managing pain and you are coping.

You should not be too hard on yourself or disappointed, you are achieving fantastic things even with pain, how can you ease that pressure with the knowledge you have now.

Take care change is never easy and good luck.

John58

Mian, I wish I would have caught your thread earlier. Sorry you have been feeling so bad but I'm glad your feeling better now. Hope you stick around and post when you need to. I think you are a very strong person for what you have gone through and what you are doing now. Take it easy, 1 day at a time.

Roni

I wish I could say more, but I am not able to sit at the computer for long, but I really wanted to express my gratitude for the comments. I appreciate it. It is hard to make these decisions, especially when some people like your uncle, disowns you, for taking a hiatus, and you start to doubt your decision.
It is nice to hear from people who understand, that there is support and compassion no matter what happens. Thank you.
I hope you two both are able to take it easy and have break from pain (at least a low pain day) this week. Somedays that's all we can ask for.

Sam

I studied part time at University because I had to work and I had other problems and I need to get special considerations and even defer some subjects at times

It's sad that your uncle disowns you for that - but I have to ask - is that HIS degree you are doing?

Of course not! You have to do your studies as you can - and if your uncle gets onto your case again - ask him whose degree you are studying?

I'm sorry you have to put up with that

Lin

So it's been a while since I have been on the forum and a lot has been happening. There has been a lot of moving and a lot of appointments. I have been dealing with some troubling issues more health concerns of course, and am now in the beginning phases of diagnosing either colitis, crohns, or something along those lines, apparently. More pills, more money, and more stress. The irony of it is they assume it's due to the harsh regime of pills I have been on since I was a child, and the way to deal with it is a regiment of pills three in the morning and three at night.
Oy.
So, yea, things have just been a tad on the low side.
It's been hard dealing with the transitions that are occuring, which- if I were healthy would be hard, but now I have to say good bye to the city; the guy that I both hate and love (we broke up a year ago, and it's no surprise, he couldn't handle my illnesses, but it he was the first guy to treat me decent as cliche as that sounds) and I am moving to the middle of nowhere, so when I am feeling like s***, I can't just go out on the balcony and watch the people and watch life happen, and feel like, while being a passer by, I am still there. Still apart of it.
Anyway, that about sums it up for my update.
I hope things are well in others' lives.

Edited by bigcat - May/06/2010 at 8:47pm

Sam,

Have you actually made the move to the country yet, or still in the process? I know that you have been dreading having to do this.

I hope that they will find out what is wrong, once and for all, and give you a diagnosis. At least once you know you will have something to wrap your arms around and move forward to trying to get better. I know someone with chrons, and while she has flare ups from time to time and has had to go to the hospital on occasion, she has still had two little boys and works as a teacher. So there is hope there for you to get whatever this is under control and get back to school and on with your life.

Take care and keep us posted as to how you are doing. Hugs, Stevie

Hi Sam

It must be wretched for you to have some many health issues and maybe have to move and you can't see the "World go by"

Oh dear - if it was easy - no one would tell us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps or get our act together - we would

But I am a little concerned that you watch the world go by - by hook or my crook I get into the world as much as I can and on the internet I access so many different areas of interest I could sit here all day

Try and find something you can get into at home - you are on the internet and easy for me to say - I know

But as we say here in the colonies - "Life - be in it"

The world of the internet is huge and growing everyday - I would be reading more if I had the time - but I live alone like you and know it's easier sometimes to just stay in your nice warm bed

I wish you the best - I know you are struggling but life does tend to go on

Best wishes

Lin

Hi Sam,

I'm so glad to see you posting! I'm sorry you're feeling apart from things right now. I know sometimes with pain when we're unable to do much, it's often feels like we're outside looking in. Few things to keep in mind though: first, you're in the middle of getting diagnosed, and hopefully with treatment, you'll be able to return to school and to the city. Second, try to view being out of the city as temporary, you can still go back to school once you're through this stage. Last, you're still a part of life, taking a break and finding out what's wrong doesn't mean it's the end for you. Once you have the diagnosis of what's going on, you have something to work with and can do your best to find and follow the best course of treatment for you.

I went through the rest of the posts and was wondering if the psychologist you were seeing in January is helping you through this transition at all, or if she lives where school was? It may help to talk to someone about your feelings, you're definitely under a lot of stress right now. Of course we're here for you and love hearing from you, but often in person having someone to talk to helps a lot. I didn't realize until I finally started seeing a pain doctor just how much I needed to talk out and come to terms with all I'd been through, and you've definitely been through so much. Unhappy

Take good care of yourself, my fellow rat lover! I was happy to see your post with your rat avatar!! Smile

Kat

Heh, thank you. Anything to do with rats just brightens up my day, and they've been my life. Thank you for mentioning them. Usually when I write, I write in bed, when they've been put back in their cage for the...well..."night". So I get sucked up in what I am writing about, and when you mentioned fellow rat lover, you just totally made me snap out of this feeling like chronic pain is the only identity I have. You said it right there, the rats, too, are another, and that one is so positive. Thank you. :)
I also want to say thank you for your continual support. You've shared so much with me, and been there so often for me, and I can't tell you how much I do appreciate it. I don't take your, or anyone else's time and words for granted. I feel bad I just continually come and whine. But I can't tell you how much your, and everyone else's support has meant in these trying times. I know I have made a similar speech before, but now as I am leaving even my home, it's even harder. I will be moving back into isolation, and it's a little daunting.
I hope to be able to return the support given to me. *hug*. I hope you take care of yourself, also, my fellow rat lover :)
-Ciao


	We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here.